Cody's JOKES

A good portion of these jokes are Cody's.
They are obviously not edited a whole lot.

Joke 1:
Q: How do you make a cat go woof?
A: You douse it in lighter fluid and throw a match onto it, WOOOF!

Joke 2:
Q: How do you make a dog go meow?
A: You freeze it and cut it in half with a buzz saw, MEEOOOWW!

Joke 3:
Signs You have a drinking problem:
1: Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
2: You say " Beertender! Get me another bar!"
3: When you get pulled over by a cop you say : " Hello Officer! I'm not under the afulence of inchole." or you say: "I'm jober as a sudge!"
4: That damn pink elephant keeps following you home.
5: Bill Clinton starts to make sense.
6: Vampires catch a buzz after biting you, ( a.k.a, horseflies)
7: :The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
8: And last but not least: At AA meetings you start out "hi, my name is,...um, well, oh fuck it."
( I know there are more, I just can't think of them right now.)

Joke 4: Canoes
Okay. A French man, an English man, and an American man are in a raft together.
When they drift ashore a island full of cannibals. So they say "Oh no,
don't eat us!" the cannibals reply, "Don't worry, we won't eat you, we're only going to
take your skin off and use it for canoes" SO they're about to kill the
French guy, when he says," Wait, I have a last request, can I have a knife,
I won't kill you with it." The cannibals give him a knife and he says "
Viva La France" and cuts off his head. When they're about to kill the English man, and
he asks for a knife too. The cannibals give him one and he says " Long
Live the Queen!" and cuts off his head. Then they're about to kill the American
when he says " Wait, I have a last request too, can I have a fork?" the
cannibals say "What the hell are you going to do with a fork!?" He says
"Just give me a fork." so the cannibals give him a fork. SO he takes the fork
and starts stabbing him self with the fork, and as he is stabbing himself,
he says "You and you god damn canoes!"

Joke 5
University of Illinois
Entrance exam
Football Player version
Time limit: 3 weeks
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the Ancient Babylonian Empire with
particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social
conditions.
- or -
Give the first name of Pierre Tudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
a. Build a bridge
b. Sail the ocean
c. Lead an army
d. Write a play
4. What religion is the Pope?
a. Jewish
b. Catholic
c. Hindu
d. Polish
e. Agnostic
(check only one)
5. Metric conversion - - how many feet are in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (APPROX.)
8. What are the people in America's far north called?
a. Westerners
b. Southerners
c. Easterners
d. Northerners
9. Spell - Bush, Carter, and Clinton.
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being
called George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does the rain come from?
a. Macy's
b. 7-11
c. Canada
d. The Sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
a. yes
b. no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chatelier's principle of Dynamic Equilibrium
- or -
Spell your name in block letters.
16. Where is the basement in a 3 story building located?
a. The bottom
b. The top
c. Somewhere in the middle
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
a. New York
b. FLORIDA
c. Canada
d. Wisconsin
18. Advanced Math: If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Co.) stand for?
20. The University of Illinois tradition for efficiency began
when?
a. B.C.
b. A.D.
c. STILL WAITING
* YOU MUST ANSWER THREE(3) OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY

Joke 6
If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If a Mime swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If you spin an Oriental person around three times, does (s)he become disoriented?

Joke 7
The Joke:
You might be a redneck Jedi Knight if...
1.) Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
2.) You use your lightsaber to open a non-twist-off bottle of Bud.
3.) There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
4.) You use your lightsaber to pick your teeth.
5.) At least one section of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.
6.) You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
7.) You can't describe the taste of an Ewok without using the word chicken.
8.) You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
9.) You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good sheets.
10.) A peaceful meditation is one without gas.
11.) You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not THE force.
12.) Your master/mentor ever said "Hey, pull my finger..."
13.) Your X-wing is up on blocks in your front yard.
14.) You lost a hand during a lightsaber fight because you had to spit.
15.) The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
16.) Wookies are offended by your B.O.
17.) You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
18.) You use your lightsaber to clean fish.
19.) Your father said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the dark side... it'll be a hoot."
20.) You use your R-2 unit's self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
21.) The moonshine still you built on Endor is hidden so well even the Ewoks can't find it.
22.) You have a stuffed womp rat over your fireplace.
23.) You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.
24.) You think the symbol for the Rebel Alliance should be the Confederate flag.
25.) More than half the droids you own don't function.
26.) The number of blasters you own exceeds your I.Q.
27.) You wonder why Luke and Leia never got married.
28.) You used a carbon-freezing chamber to store the 78 Wampas you shot while on vacation on Hoth.
29.) Your moonshine is really made on the moon.
30.) You don't like wearing a Jedi robe because it prevents access to the dip stored in your back pocket.
31.) Sandpeople back down from your mama.
32.) You've ever used Jedi mind control to talk your way out of a speeding ticket or DUI.
33.) You've ever strangled someone with the force because they laughed at your accent.
34.) You built an outhouse over the Sarlaac.
35.) You've ever argued with a Jawa over scavenging rights to a broken droid.
36.) A Wookie has told you that you need to shave.
37.) You have ever wrecked a landspeeder while lighting a cigarette with your lightsaber.
38.) You don't think the Ewoks are primitive.
39.) You think an AT-AT looks like a giant cow.
40.) You don't think Jabba's pig guards have a hygiene problem.
41.) You consider your lightsaber the ultimate bug zapper.
42.) The Rancor monster refused to eat you.
43.) You discover that your greatest enemy is, in fact, your father,
who also happens to be your brother...

Joke 8
Q: What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad sky diver? A: One goes: THWACK! Dammit! The other goes Dammit! THWACK!

Joke 9
I'm a serial killer. It's a bad habit. I killed Tony, Lucky Charms and the Silly Rabbit.

Joke 10
Top ten things to say to people who tell you they have sex with your mom.
10-You had sex with my mom?
9-My mom weighs 400+ lbs
8-My mom is a lesbian
7-How much did you have to pay for that?
6-So did Bill Clinton
5-Does that mean you're my long lost father?
4-You are really fucked up
3-My mom is 67
2-My mom has AIDS
1-My mom's a man, she had a sex change after she had me.
Compliments of (not Cody) Ian Smith, who somehow got my E-mail address, my best guess how is through Ben.

Joke 11
Poetry
There is a poetry contest going on and it is a $10000.00 reward for whoever wins. About 500 people enter and after about an hour its narrowed down to the 2 final contentests, a Harvard Graduate, and a Redneck. They have to make up poem that has to inclued the word "Timbuktu" in it (or however its spelled) so the Harvard graduate get up there and starts his poem: "Traveling along the desert sands, traveling along with the famous caravan, camels going two by two, final destination, Timbuktu." SO all the people clap and think there is No way that this redneck is going to beat this Harvard guy. SO the red neck gets up there, waits for the roar to die down and starts his poem: "Tim and I, Huntin' we went, found three hoars and a popup tent, science there were three of them and only us two, I bucked one and Tim bucked two"

Joke 12
Bill Clinton dies and goes to hell, so Satan gives him three choices of rooms he wants to spend enterity in. SO the first room is people getting stabbed by sticks and burning. Bill says "no, not that room" the Second room is snipers shooting people stepping on shards of glass bare footed Bill says "not that room either" So Satan takes him to the third room which is Monica Luinsky sucking off Ross Perot, so Bill is like "yes this room will do." Satan is like "Ok. Monica, You've been replaced!"

Joke 13
Q: How do you circumcise a redneck?
A: Kick his sister in the chin.

Joke 14
Q: Why is Santa so jolly on Christmas?
A: Cause he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Joke 15 \/ These are f***ing hilarious! \/
Error1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue Error2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. Error3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. Error4. Press any key except..... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! Error5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. Error6. Close your eyes and press escape three times. Error7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. Error8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? Error9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" Error10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log>off." Error11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN". Error12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. Error13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. Error14. CONGRESS. SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C.?(Y/Y). Error15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) Error16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) Error17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF:Incompetent User. Error18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) Error19. WinErr 16547:LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL&PAPER.SYS) Error20. User Error: Replace user. Error21. Windows VirusScan 1.0-Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N) Error22. Welcome to Microsoft's world- Your Mortgage is Past Due.... Error23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security? Error24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

Joke 15
Dear Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa ------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa ------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Legos instead. Santa ------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay. Santa ------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa ------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa ------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa ------------------------------------------------------------ Dear Santa, I really, really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Timmy Dear Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa ------------------------------------------------------------ Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love Marky Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass kicked at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams, Santa